Shaking

Well we landed, got Doug's blood drawn, and finally arrived at the retreat center last night. several people descended upon us and whisked us and all our stuff into a lovely cottage with a great big,comfy bedroom with a king sized bed with an ajoining bathroom and a kitchen with everything needed to prepare our food. I felt immediately wary and relieved at the same time. It is a little daunting to turn Doug's care over to folks I had never met, but their love for him and their joy at seeing him were palpable, as was their happiness of meeting me. So I rolled up my sleeves and made our dinner along side the other raw couple who are sharing the cottage with us. Both couples carried our food over to the main dining room and I got to meet more of the folks. I got to see many loving exchanges and many gently confrontational exchanges also. Having a man tell Doug at the dinner table that his cancer story was not at all interesting, but the story of what he was doing with his experience and what he had to offer to others from it was, was for me refreshing and off-putting simultaneously. It is what I have been feeling, thinking and at times murmuring for awhile. He is being held up as a teacher for the group by Brad and he is at times radiant in his acquiescence to receiving and offering the Love that is the fulcrum of the Shaking medicine that all are here for. We sat and listened to Brad's stories and did a little shaking last night. I left to prepare our room for sleep and to make the hemp milk for breakfast. I left Doug in the capable hands of his community and got a breather of just setting our little environment to rights for myself. Doug got in a while later having been escorted by one of the community. We slept well, I was up and down to pee very often, but the sound of the rain, lots of rain all night lulled back to sleep easily.
This morning, I could see that the Sweet Sweetie was not firing all on cylinders, he was not rested after a nights sleep and was having a hard time getting out of bed. I put the heater next to the bed and turned it on high as his lack of fat makes the cold that much colder for him. I showered and came out to the kitchen to fix breakfast. Marvin and Dana were up and making their breakfast too. It is fun and grounding to be sharing this with them, we are swapping info, recipes and ideas about the raw food commitment and I enjoy it a lot. I called the clinic and sure enough, Doug's red cell count didn't budge from the Procrit shot that he got on Wednesday, so I was told to give him one today and tomorrow. I let them know that I only had one shot with me, so they said to give him that one today and that they were going to make arrangements for a transfusion on Monday pending some stat blood work when we return to Arizona. So I gave him his shot, brought him over to the main hall to be with the community, sat for awhile, got some shaking done for me and left him there with 3 people working on him and with a couple people in charge of making sure that he drinks his green protein drink that I made for him. I pray that the message that he can stop seeking and start living gets shaken into him, it would make life so much sweeter for both of us. He wants to stop chemo, he is starting to dig his feet in and thinking of drawing a line in the sand again about what he will and will not surrender to, it makes me tired and sad. It is his decision what he does or doesn't do, but it feels so much like him trying to hold on and control things that might be better surrendered to. time will tell.