not interrupted anymore, thank you very much

It dawned on me the other day that the name of my blog here longer serves me or my life. The perceived interruption that Doug's illness, death and my year or more of deep grief was not an interruption so much as a deep valley to cross. As valleys go it was an interesting, at times terrifying and always fruitful one. I have learned more about the inner workings of my mind and soul, the limitations and the tenacity of my body and the immensity of that essential ingredient of life, Love. I miss my sweetie, mostly I miss the unsaleable rightness of how we came together, how we danced this life together and the unshakable faith that I had about our union's ability to weather any storm, even if I was the instigator of the tempest. I long for those feelings again of being in the right place at the right time with the right person. I miss his smell, his flesh and his wonder. The utter ridiculousness that the two of us forged our union tickles me and I am grateful everyday that we both got to experience all that we did together. But I also want/need to say goodbye to this so called interruption, this valley that I have occupied for so long. I am starting to climb the mountain now, it is the only way to truly see the vista that awaits me as I depart this place that has held me. I have had dear friends and family that have listened to me whine, cry and be crazy, they have held me and caressed my wounded soul, they have admonished me when I chose to dwell in darkness, they have seemingly abandoned me, they have reflected back to me my own beauty and sanctity, they have made me laugh. I wouldn't have the strength, curiosity and willingness to make the climb without each and everyone of them. So thank you to all of you, if you want to climb with me and see what is next, follow my next blog, I think it will have something to do with life renewed, recreated and returned, it should prove to be exciting, but don't take my word for it, try it for yourself, for we each have the choice everyday to start climbing up to the next peak or to stay put in our own valleys believing that that is all there is. Hope to see you along the way and at the summit!

I give in!!!!

I am having a bad day, meaning that things are not at all going easily or how I might have them go. My energy level is low, my pain level is moderate and my tolerance for foolishness is nil. I have 9 rooms of stuff to move on some unknown date to a tenuous and probably temporary new home and I need to start supporting myself soon, very soon. I feel thwarted by many of the systems that are supposed to support and help me and I just want to yell or drink a lot. I just had my teeth cleaned this morning so yelling would hurt due to my molar that has it's root exposed so that isn't a real option and drinking well let's just say been there, done that, again not an option. So my only option is to rest, dip into my creativity well and start tomorrow afresh with more boxes packed up, another application filled out and gratitude for all that I do have.
I have been asking for Doug to visit me lately, begging is more like it. Well he heard my prayer and on the night of the full moon I had a dream of him. He was back and healthy, and he displayed every annoying trait that ever drove me mad while he was alive and we were together, I mean every last peccadillo that the man ever injected into our relationship was there and nothing else. In the dream I knew that he would be dead again soon but I didn't want to let on to him that his demise was at hand and I was exasperated beyond anything that I ever was during his life with his nitpicking, his strange controlling things and such. I even thought in the dream, Hey! I don't like living without you, but damn man I sure as hell don't want to live with you like this! The most disturbing thing about the dream was when we were getting ready for bed, I couldn't remember which side of the bed he slept on which made getting into bed rife with danger about letting the cat out of the bag about the fact that I knew that he was actually dead. I woke up disturbed and depressed at 3:30 AM and had a hard time going back to sleep.In the morning right before I woke up I dreamed that I looked out of our bedroom window and that he was out in the back yard, pruning the roses- something that he enjoyed and that I appreciated, he smiled at me and I woke up.
I get it, he was letting me know to stop missing him and to start living my own life fully. And I will start that very soon, as soon as I can figure out my way through the maze of moving, getting a job and setting up house keeping in a new place without anyone else there. I am hoping that tomorrow be will better and I will pray fervently that all my spiritual helpers will line up behind me and hold me up while I make this transition.
Later- With a lot of help from my friends I managed to find a possible way around bureaucracy, a truthful way through an obstacle. and got about half of my healing room packed tonight. I also made a healthy delicious dinner for the two of us, made almond milk, a big smoothie, and cleaned up the kitchen. We then watched a sweet indie movie. I am no longer angry or sad, but a bit excited, fueled with a plan for tomorrow, and hopeful for my near and far future. See what a little bitchin' can do for a person. Oh and some heavy prayer and reliance on friends.....

14 plus 4 equals 18 divided by 2 equals 9, still not enough.

So after not enjoying getting 14 hours of sleep the other night and the discombobulation of arising at noon, Jesse and I made a pact to get up this morning at 8 or 9 and to tackle some much need chores. With that in mind as I hit the pillow at 11:45, looking forward to a new day of accomplishment promised. At 3:14AM I awoke in time to worry about the fact that my daughter had not arrived home from work, she arrived minutes later and we caught up with each other which was nice. I then went back to bed with my current book, waited for my eyes to drift wearily closed, turned off the light, and proceeded to think about all my loved ones and each of their struggles, ad nauseum. So I am now here pounding away at this blog, having drunk my energizing chocolate drink, with burning eyes, a weary body and mind and not a lot of energy for the tasks at hand. Eighteen hours of sleep doesn't do the trick when it is divided into 14 one night and 4 the next apparently.
I have emailed two folks for help with various situations in my life, so I did accomplish one of the tasks that I had relegated to today, I guess I could start the ribs, they are certain to be very tender by the time we get around to eating them, but what I really want is to have my night back, to sleep, to rest, to wake up feeling refreshed and ready to tackle the dawn. Instead, I find the dawn tackling me. Maybe a bath and a walk with the dogs will bring me around enough to feel human enough to do a little bit of what I had planned. An afternoon nap looks to be in my future right now though.

After 14 hours of dream filled sleep, I crawled out of bed at around noon today. I guess I needed some sleep, Eh? I had to have a crown replaced on an emergency basis yesterday and then treated myself to a massage, the combination of the two some how jarred loose some free floating anger and I was a grumpy bitch intermittently for the rest of the day. Not having allowed my inner bitch out for a while now, the feeling was a bit disconcerting. I couldn't put my finger on what I was mad about, but I definitely was angry, seems the manipulations of my body that day mixed with body feelings memories from the anniversary of giving birth for the first time 34 years ago came together to dredge up a myriad of emotions that left me exhausted and curious. I guess that staring down the gun barrel of moving all that I own in the next month was in the mix also.
I feel more than a little overwhelmed by the move and the uncertainty of my future. So many pages of the book of my life have flown by in the past 15 months that I find myself running to catch up. My loved ones are all in their own struggles and I am impotent to help them except for my unwavering support and presence. A dear friend and I were discussing that very idea last night. The wisdom that the only real currency that we have to offer is just that, presence- a listening ear, a loving heart, a connecting soul. I really do believe that, but I have a difficult time holding on to the wisdom when it seems that a fist full of dollars would be much more useful. My ability to help myself or others financially has come to an end for the time being and I mourn that. It is simple really, my husband's commitment and toil supported us for 9 years, his foresight and fiduciary acumen supported me and several others for the past year and a 1/3 and now it is up to me to support myself. It is like coming out of retirement when you feel the least able to do it. Sorry if it sounds like I am whining or that I am being frivolous, it just is how I am feeling. On the other hand I am excited about the possibilities of the next chapter. I desire to open myself up to a host of avenues of potential streams of income and I am sure that when I am settled that those will become more apparent to me, but for now I just look around this house in disarray and feel a bit impotent. So as action is always better and more productive than words I will haul out some more boxes and set to packing up even more of my stuff in hopes of seeing the light at the end of this particular tunnel.

Maybe, I'm retrieving what it takes to be the me that I recognize.

For the past 3 days I have acted like the me I used to know. Preparing to send Jesse into the desert, pampering on a whim, planning food to meet my needs, dreaming unabashedly about my future, choosing the best thing for my soul when it wrestles with my sloth. I hesitate to make the announcement, but I think I might be returning from the jagged edge of deep indulgent temporary insanity. Now don't for a minute think that this insanity was something to be avoided, it isn't. It is something to be cultivated and even encouraged. I have been in the limbo land of the grief that all who experience a loss of any magnitude are invited into. As far as I can tell it is not an invitation that is acknowledged by the culture as a whole and from my own experience, it is not one that most are comfortable accepting or tolerant of. I have had the incredible bounty of having a few very loving friends who have been negotiating the terrain of this limbo land at the same time as I have. I also have the luck to have some people who have weathered the relentless storm years ago and who will speak freely of it's horrors and gifts.
I know that many books have been written about grief and the "right" things to do with it and that there are counselors and groups that are supposed to support the griever but none of that seemed helpful to me. Maybe I am just a spoiled brat about this most intimate of experiences but most of what I have received from society at large in this past year has been unhelpful and at times down right insulting. What has helped is crying with people in the same boat as myself and having folks listen to me as I said the same crazy things over and over again until the anger, joy and sadness morphed down to the right size to integrate into my life. Yes, I know that I should have a job by now, that he is in a better place, that what we had was invaluable and that life goes on. I know all that and it didn't make the pain and doubt any better. What helped was time, some of the hugs that I received and the unconditional love of a few people who had faced the fire themselves.
The past couple of years has been filled with "sneak-ups" of unbearable sadness and rage. If you don't know what I mean, just wait, you will get your turn someday, I hope that I am around for you when it happens, I know just what not to do for you. This time has also been filled with glimpses of the beauty of knowing that everything is unfolding as it should and that there is awe and wonder in even the most terrifying and horrific memories of the undoing of a loved ones life. I may see it differently later but for now this is my reality. I got to experience union with another beautiful and wonderfully flawed human, we grew from it and then he was gone before I could assimilate all the wisdom that could be gleaned from our association. It truly feels like Life Interrupted. I still am amazed and caught off guard by the mere fact that someone so alive and in my face is no longer present in this world or my life. I guess it will take more time for that confusing fact to become woven into my tapestry.
For now, I am struck with the feeling that most of me might be back from a long, lonely journey that I was unprepared for. I have probably told the story of my dog Beanie and her demise, for years I imagined that when her time came to leave the world that I would be basically Ok with her passing. After all she might have been a great dog, but she was also a big pain in the ass, stealing cookies, barking at inopportune moments, occasionally peeing where she wasn't supposed to and snoring so loudly that you could hear her in the next room- kinda like me. When the time came to help her along the way out of her earthly existence, I was shocked and dismayed by the wracking sobs and incredible sadness that I felt at her leaving, I couldn't stop crying and I couldn't eat for awhile from my sadness. As much as she was a pain and she was way past having a comfortable life, I had lost a companion who had been by side for 14 years, whether I wanted her there or not. We were all sad for a long time, a lot sadder than I had ever imagined possible at the loss of a naughty dog. I know that it may seem crass to compare that with the loss of a spouse but I have to say that her death should have prepared me somewhat for the loss of my dear, sweet, pain in the ass husband, but it didn't. Nothing did. I entered a uncharted land and am still finding my way back though the terrain is firmer under my feet today and the person that I was before the loss has been showing up more and more. For those who might be thinking "get over it already!" your turn will come, mine did and I thought I knew what to expect, I didn't and I didn't know that I didn't.
So with the knowledge that I have from this tributary crossing and the precious return of some of the me that I recognize I will start my day of packing making plans and just being me. It feels strange but peaceful to have returned to the land of the living.

after enlightenment, the laundry....

Full day of recovery from our adventure South. Now for the mundane activities of putting this house in order, getting Jesse ready for going into the desert, making necessary phone calls, rescheduling appointments missed and packing the next round of items to bring to the new house. Eight pieces of art off the walls and ready for distribution and of course...laundry. I had the epiphany this morning of how I was guilty of the same thing that I used to rail against when my dear departed husband indulged in. When we came together Doug used to spend an inordinate amount of time on the computer conversing with his Christian on line community. It was a prayer group of folks who would use online names like "Dancing purple pony" and "Star grace raindrop" to protect their identities and to also try to get across how they thought of their spiritual selves. Doug used the name "Doug", I thought that was the most honest name used in the whole chat room. But I was jealous of these cyber friends of his, people that he had never met whom he prayed for every day, crying over their trials, getting amused and frustrated over their online disagreements and dramas. I wanted the heartfelt attention that he showered over these strangers, I wanted to mean more than them. I would go on and on about how the community wasn't real and that he was pouring a lot of energy and time into them when I was here and present and deserving of his undivided attention. Yes folks I was an immature asshole, a lot. It resolved itself for me when he almost died a few years back and the first place that I could think to post for prayers was on that very site. The outpouring of love and prayers from those "strangers" was palpable for the poor man and for me as well. We had gone to a couple of conferences with the community (at Doug's enthusiastic insistence) before that fateful incident so I did have a couple of faces to put to the annoying names, making it easier to ask for help. I let it all go after that, he was happy with his friends there and I had grown up a little bit.
Now I find myself looking forward to the same thing that he did everyday and at a loss when I am unable to get my fix. You all know what I am alluding to- my social network, Facebook. Somehow I have acquired 400+ friends, most of whom are blocked as I don't have that kind of time or interest to check up on all of them. I was struck this morning at how insidious and manufactured the whole thing is, and how much it blunts my ability to actually reach out and share my life and reality. At least Doug's on line friends were concentrated on praying for each other and the world, unlike the vast majority of posts that I read about, what folks are having for dinner and what their latest gripes are. So I am deciding to relieve myself of the burden of another waste of my precious time, I am signing off of the social network scene and concentrating on living and communicating with my friends and family. I will be talking and writing more and posting less. This blog has been invaluable to me to be able to spit out what ever it is that I have to say to myself and anyone interested on any given day. So bye bye facebook, hello more time and more reality. I will probably have a slip or two, it is the way with all those things that I let go of, but a few well placed phone calls and letters written will probably speed the process along.
So Doug I am sorry that I was such a rotten brat around your connection to your friends, it would have been nicer for both of us if I had come to this marriage completely adult and loving but I didn't and one of the gifts of us together was that I did get to grow up some more and got to realize that regardless of how much time you spent with unicorns and rainbows that you loved me best and needed time to be comfortable with us face to face, you were a scared human as was I and we got to grow together throughout our short union. You were an amazing, pain in the ass, deeply loving, incredible man and I am forever grateful that God saw fit to put us together for the rest of your life. Fly free sweet man, and visit every so often as I continue on this mysterious journey of life.

Here we go!

Up early, reflecting on what is actually happening, the first journey of many back to where the dream started. Trying to not go crazy with preparations. Did not pack the defibillator this time. If any of us has a cardiac arrest, well all of us know CPR. Looking forward to sharing my slice of Heaven with good friends and putting my new house in order. Oh yeah did I mention that under the excitement there is terror and sadness? Looks like a good day is about to be had.