after enlightenment, the laundry....

Full day of recovery from our adventure South. Now for the mundane activities of putting this house in order, getting Jesse ready for going into the desert, making necessary phone calls, rescheduling appointments missed and packing the next round of items to bring to the new house. Eight pieces of art off the walls and ready for distribution and of course...laundry. I had the epiphany this morning of how I was guilty of the same thing that I used to rail against when my dear departed husband indulged in. When we came together Doug used to spend an inordinate amount of time on the computer conversing with his Christian on line community. It was a prayer group of folks who would use online names like "Dancing purple pony" and "Star grace raindrop" to protect their identities and to also try to get across how they thought of their spiritual selves. Doug used the name "Doug", I thought that was the most honest name used in the whole chat room. But I was jealous of these cyber friends of his, people that he had never met whom he prayed for every day, crying over their trials, getting amused and frustrated over their online disagreements and dramas. I wanted the heartfelt attention that he showered over these strangers, I wanted to mean more than them. I would go on and on about how the community wasn't real and that he was pouring a lot of energy and time into them when I was here and present and deserving of his undivided attention. Yes folks I was an immature asshole, a lot. It resolved itself for me when he almost died a few years back and the first place that I could think to post for prayers was on that very site. The outpouring of love and prayers from those "strangers" was palpable for the poor man and for me as well. We had gone to a couple of conferences with the community (at Doug's enthusiastic insistence) before that fateful incident so I did have a couple of faces to put to the annoying names, making it easier to ask for help. I let it all go after that, he was happy with his friends there and I had grown up a little bit.
Now I find myself looking forward to the same thing that he did everyday and at a loss when I am unable to get my fix. You all know what I am alluding to- my social network, Facebook. Somehow I have acquired 400+ friends, most of whom are blocked as I don't have that kind of time or interest to check up on all of them. I was struck this morning at how insidious and manufactured the whole thing is, and how much it blunts my ability to actually reach out and share my life and reality. At least Doug's on line friends were concentrated on praying for each other and the world, unlike the vast majority of posts that I read about, what folks are having for dinner and what their latest gripes are. So I am deciding to relieve myself of the burden of another waste of my precious time, I am signing off of the social network scene and concentrating on living and communicating with my friends and family. I will be talking and writing more and posting less. This blog has been invaluable to me to be able to spit out what ever it is that I have to say to myself and anyone interested on any given day. So bye bye facebook, hello more time and more reality. I will probably have a slip or two, it is the way with all those things that I let go of, but a few well placed phone calls and letters written will probably speed the process along.
So Doug I am sorry that I was such a rotten brat around your connection to your friends, it would have been nicer for both of us if I had come to this marriage completely adult and loving but I didn't and one of the gifts of us together was that I did get to grow up some more and got to realize that regardless of how much time you spent with unicorns and rainbows that you loved me best and needed time to be comfortable with us face to face, you were a scared human as was I and we got to grow together throughout our short union. You were an amazing, pain in the ass, deeply loving, incredible man and I am forever grateful that God saw fit to put us together for the rest of your life. Fly free sweet man, and visit every so often as I continue on this mysterious journey of life.