I give in!!!!

I am having a bad day, meaning that things are not at all going easily or how I might have them go. My energy level is low, my pain level is moderate and my tolerance for foolishness is nil. I have 9 rooms of stuff to move on some unknown date to a tenuous and probably temporary new home and I need to start supporting myself soon, very soon. I feel thwarted by many of the systems that are supposed to support and help me and I just want to yell or drink a lot. I just had my teeth cleaned this morning so yelling would hurt due to my molar that has it's root exposed so that isn't a real option and drinking well let's just say been there, done that, again not an option. So my only option is to rest, dip into my creativity well and start tomorrow afresh with more boxes packed up, another application filled out and gratitude for all that I do have.
I have been asking for Doug to visit me lately, begging is more like it. Well he heard my prayer and on the night of the full moon I had a dream of him. He was back and healthy, and he displayed every annoying trait that ever drove me mad while he was alive and we were together, I mean every last peccadillo that the man ever injected into our relationship was there and nothing else. In the dream I knew that he would be dead again soon but I didn't want to let on to him that his demise was at hand and I was exasperated beyond anything that I ever was during his life with his nitpicking, his strange controlling things and such. I even thought in the dream, Hey! I don't like living without you, but damn man I sure as hell don't want to live with you like this! The most disturbing thing about the dream was when we were getting ready for bed, I couldn't remember which side of the bed he slept on which made getting into bed rife with danger about letting the cat out of the bag about the fact that I knew that he was actually dead. I woke up disturbed and depressed at 3:30 AM and had a hard time going back to sleep.In the morning right before I woke up I dreamed that I looked out of our bedroom window and that he was out in the back yard, pruning the roses- something that he enjoyed and that I appreciated, he smiled at me and I woke up.
I get it, he was letting me know to stop missing him and to start living my own life fully. And I will start that very soon, as soon as I can figure out my way through the maze of moving, getting a job and setting up house keeping in a new place without anyone else there. I am hoping that tomorrow be will better and I will pray fervently that all my spiritual helpers will line up behind me and hold me up while I make this transition.
Later- With a lot of help from my friends I managed to find a possible way around bureaucracy, a truthful way through an obstacle. and got about half of my healing room packed tonight. I also made a healthy delicious dinner for the two of us, made almond milk, a big smoothie, and cleaned up the kitchen. We then watched a sweet indie movie. I am no longer angry or sad, but a bit excited, fueled with a plan for tomorrow, and hopeful for my near and far future. See what a little bitchin' can do for a person. Oh and some heavy prayer and reliance on friends.....