Ups and Downs

I just read a line from someones post about What it is to be a Bahai, they were quoting a letter from 1948 from Ruhiyyih Khanum to the youth of my faith. The line that particularly struck me was "Abdul-Baha is credited with having said that the secret of self-mastery is self-forgetfulness" I could have used that reminder yesterday as I tried to "correct" a lousy situation in the morning where my fatigue and pain ridden husband was not in the best of form and I wanted to somehow change how poorly I felt I was being treated and responded to. If I had just been capable of self forgetfulness, the situation would not have escalated into a screaming, door slamming, swearing mess. A mess that had me stating "I quit!" at him as he angrily told me to leave him the fuck alone, that all he needed was for me to be strong for him. I guess being strong for him does not include all those acts of service that I had been providing as much as my being able to have self forgetfulness, to let his inability to be nice in the face of his illness not affect me. Interesting and food for thought.
After a long silent trip to the treatment center, one that included us being late for my appointment for a much needed and wanted colonic, we got there, he went his way and I went mine. Both of us complaining to the nurses there about how we were so slighted by the other. All I want is to be touched, acknowledged and occasionally talked to as sweetly as the cats get talked to. He seems to want to be left alone except when he doesn't, not judged and not have his crabbiness taken personally. I keep getting asked if I am taking care of myself, something that I used to suggest and hammer home to my clients with wild abandon back when I had clients. I will not be so cavalier about that suggestion any more. Taking care of myself is not one of my strong points, I will be the first to admit that. Taking care of myself when my entire focus is to get my husband to and from treatment, supporting his choices, keeping the house minimally maintained, completely revamping our lifestyle, figuring out finances, caring for 7 pets and staying in the loop with family and friends is apparently a task of such monumental proportions that I am failing miserably at it according to many outside observers. I won't even take up the space to defend myself or to list the things that I have done to care for myself, or the things that I plan to do to take care of myself in the future. It sufficeth to say that I am doing the best that I can with the time, energy and inclination that I have available.
In the middle of this not so great feeling of bruisedness yesterday, I received the disturbing news that the nurse case manager from the insurance company in charge of Doug's care had called the Oasis to inform them that after careful consideration that the insurance company had deemed all care from the Oasis of healing to be "experimental and investigational" and that for that reason they were refusing all claims and would not be reimbursing us a penny of the $30,000 that had been invested into saving Doug's life. End of story. Now mind you, the insurance company had yet to get a bill when this determination was made. The medical biller that we are working with told me that the way that small insurance companies like the one we deal with get around paying for health care is to pretend to be a patient, calling the treatment center and quizzing the staff about what kind of treatments are offered and they make their determination by either that interview or by checking the website. So on top of trying to get the best care for Doug, running out of available cash for treatment and dealing with the health issues brought about by his treatment, we have to start an inital appeal process and start fighting with a company who's bottom line is to save themselves money, not about serving the people who pay for their services. It feels very overwhelming, certainly not impossible but so frustrating and unnecessary.
So for right now, I am going to finish my breakfast of raw apple cinnamon buckwheat granola, fresh red raspberries and almond cream and figure out how to make my kitchen more user friendly. We are both going for haircuts this afternoon, Doug for a buzz cut, me for a new asymmetrical bob. I also need to get cracking on the appeal process to the insurance company, at least in my mind. So have a great day, readers one and all, and I'll catch you on the flip flop.