Love is kind

I just lost my entire blog of the day due to cyber space glitches, apparently I didn't need to share all the details of the last 3 days. It sufficeth to say that we are still in the middle of a sucky situation with Doug experiencing some of the worst unrelenting pain that he has ever had while sleep deprived and debilitated from the treatments that he is getting. Lots of wracking sobs and exhortations to God of why and when will it end, not a pretty picture for either of us. My Archetypal nurse and his please let me have a modicum of control stance have been butting heads as we try to figure out the best remedies to the situation that he is in. That situation being constant deep and severe bone and joint pain and salivary duct pain. The direct cause of the pain is not really known, but there are some fairly nasty culprits in the line up, including bone metastestes, tumor lysis syndrome, the granddaddy of all Herxheimer reactions and just plain deconditioning of all his acessary muscles of his spine from muscle wasting. It also makes sense when you think about the fact the the cancer is of the very system that we are trying to target with destruction and to build up simultaneously. It all comes together to make for a very sad and sobering reality. One that has cost us $21,000 in treatments alone, and another $3000.00 in food and food prep gadgets.
The light at the end of the tunnel is that the tumors that started our inquiry into the whole mess have disappeared with a tiny residual lump left where the very first one reared it's head 9 months ago. The treatments are definitely working to kill the cancer, but I am afraid that the next pain quelling remedy that Doug is going to ask for is a bullet to the brain. Don't worry, I will definitely draw the line if it comes to that. He sends his love to all.
On a fluffier note, I have the fridge and the pantry all converted for raw food preparation, need to finish both freezers by emptying out all the meats and fishes and any frozen thingies that are now forbidden and rearranging the fruits and veggies and seeds in the freezer in the kitchen where they are easy to get to, I will probably also defrost the pocket freezer while I am at it. Then using a critical eye I need to figure out the flow pattern that will be the most efficient in the kitchen proper. It feels like playing house, completely revamping this huge part of our lives, but we are both full of gratitude for the opportunity that we have been given to make this change, I don't recommend waiting for a potentially lethal disease to hit before you make life affirming changes to your lifestyle though.
I was happily and busily housekeeping yesterday with the energy that a shot of Vitamin B-12 gave me when I spied our throw pillow on the living room couch. I was having thoughts about how hard it is for us to endure and thrive throughout this trial, petty things get magnified and harsh thoughts abound. When I started to plump and place this particular pillow rather unconsciously on to the couch, I noticed what was printed on it, "Love.......is patient, is kind, love never fails." It took me aback and I stared the words for a few seconds and started me thinking about my less than generous thoughts of my husband over the past little while. They are not out of line with what most folks think about their spouses at any particular moment on any given day, but they weren't patient and they weren't always kind, they definitely were on the side of failing him as opposed to supporting him. There was a resolve that came over me, a kind of grace at the sight of those words that have been sitting on our couch for a few years. I made a promise to myself to be kinder and more patient with him and with myself. Impatience or unkindness, even if they are not expressed, even if they are merely thoughts are not justified. I think that I just need a break from the ever present draining need and intermittent lack of expressed appreciation for my presence. So I am continuing to try to be nicer than I need to be, thinking that maybe every one would be happier if we all tried to be just a little nicer and kinder than we need to be. If only Doug could be nicer when he feels like shit and is in constant pain, but that probably isn't going to happen. Now that was not kind of me, was it? I promise I will be nicer, kinder and more patient tomorrow.