Well the chemo honeymoon is officially over. Doug is achey, tired, has throat/ear pain when he swallows and for all intents and purposes looks and acts like a very depressed man. It could be that he didn't get much sleep last night, He was drifting off at 2AM, I woke up at 3:30AM- fell back into a very restless sleep at 6AM when he was waking up for the day. Combine that with the fact that he didn't have the strength to lift the garbage bag out of the container to bring it out to the curb and you get a somber beginning to the day. He also will be getting another IPT treatment today, so his tightly wound tapestry of hopeful cheerfulness will unravel a bit more. The drugs and the fasting have caught up with him. While consulting with the nutritional counselor, we determined that for three days of the treatment week he has to fast for up to 18 hours for the treatment he receives insulin for. On those days he has a hard time catching up with the juice and it is starting to tell on him. As of yesterday morning he weighed in at 165, something he hasn't weighed since his early college days. So while he is not skeletal, the weight loss has been fairly rapid, so his skin hasn't caught up. That and his underlying slightly pale gray complexion combine to make him look like he is feeling presently, like an ill man. It is easier to lose sight of the big picture, that this is a means to an end, the end being health and sustained life when he feels this way, not to mention of unengaged and down right crabby he is. While I am learning more and more to not take his demeanor personally, it grates on the nerves and I for one am finding that constant togetherness is wearying. The cats and dog are taking the brunt of his fatigue and pain, luckily he isn't a violent man but he does swear at them more often. That is when he is not hugging and holding them while weeping about how marvelous and magnificent they are. Maybe I am jealous. Maybe if I got held, caressed and praised a little bit I wouldn't be so sensitive to being ignored, withering looks and smart retorts to requests. Hell, I would be happy with a cursory foot rub and a large piece of chocolate cake! I have decided however that I am not going to push my luck by pooping on the floor, vomiting on the counter or begging for more treats.
So on that happy note we are off to the Oasis, love the place hate what they are doing to him in the short run.
This is a hero's battle (for both of you).
ReplyDeleteI like the image of Gandalf the gray falling into the deepest depths of the mountain into the fire- battling the demon and then emerging triumphant as the white wizard.