Excuse me

Can I just say that while I have been a willing participant in this situation that we find ourselves in, it has been made fairly easy because, one, I have been getting a moderate amount of sleep, two, my body has been cooperating for the most part and three, I feel immensely better than Doug does at the moment. I have schlepped bags of food, books, medications and what not like a sherpa to and from the house, the car and the clinic. I have taken as many classes as possible, completely revamped our kitchen and pantry, made as much raw food as we needed (and at times, more than we needed). I have driven in rush hour both ways and been ever ready with any number of discomfort relieving techniques, most of which were desperately refused or argued about. I understand that Doug is grasping at straws for a modicum of control in his life, to the point of not eating or taking his supplements. I understand that I am under a tremendous stress as the spouse of someone in treatment for a life threatening illness. And through it all, I have been able to do it, until this morning. This morning started for me at 3:30 AM with intense intestinal cramping and pain. I hadn't pooped for 3 days ever since that lovely day that I spent time dealing with evacuations from both ends for a day breaker. So I have been up dealing with my own gut issues, and not sleeping. So I am bleary eyed, tired to my bones and pouting because I don't want to drive anyone, anywhere- I want to lay down, read my book and fall asleep, snoring and drooling on my pillow, that's what I want, that is not what I am going to get. I am going to drive my hubby to treatment and I am going to pretend to be a pleasant, helpful mature woman while on the inside I am going to be dreaming of my bed and having my dog in my bed with me, a heavy reassuring presence on the covers who is bomb proof when it comes to me turning over, coughing or farting in the bed with him.
So I am going to take my sore bum and sit it in the drivers seat, after I schlep some bags into the car, and I am going to drive there and back, I am going to do it and be grateful, tired but grateful. Because while I am tired, I will be able to sleep sometime soon and my bum will stop hurting, and my gut will figure it self out. That and I will be surrounded by folks who aren't so sure that their hurts will be relieved or that they will be able to sleep in their own beds any time soon.
I will be grateful, but I will also be whiney intermittently, because I am human and flawed.