one of the things I miss

I miss the easy incidental touches of being a couple. I miss kisses hello, goodbye and goodnight. I miss cuddling, and snuggling in the middle of the night. I miss sex. All of these things have been replaced by tumor palpation, injections, pulse taking and massage for pain relief (his, not mine) I don't feel married any more, I feel like a potentially inappropriate nurse who longs for something from her patient that goes beyond the bounds of our working relationship. One who touches only to bring relief or to inflict medication into the wasted body of the man in my charge. A man who can't sleep in the same bed with me, doesn't have the energy or the inclination to give anything physical of himself to me and who would just as soon be left alone. We still hold hands walking to and from the store, but I can't help but think that it is mainly so that he won't stumble and fall because of his neuropathy. I like holding hands, I wish it were for connection and affection as opposed to being a safety measure. I wouldn't mind rubbing his chick fluff covered head, but I think that he would hate it and me for doing it, he still misses his hair. I did kiss him on the head yesterday, it seemed to alarm him, so I stopped. I have read only the most cursory accounts of this part of the robbery. The one where cancer and treatment sneak in and steal away the tiny gestures of affection that are the unconscious glue of a relationship. I guess it is an awful secret that no one wants to bring to light, I can't imagine that I am the only one in the world feeling the loss. At least I have Franky and Teddy to pet and who will at least rub up against me when they want to be fed and occasionally just to let me know that they are there.