After 14 hours of dream filled sleep, I crawled out of bed at around noon today. I guess I needed some sleep, Eh? I had to have a crown replaced on an emergency basis yesterday and then treated myself to a massage, the combination of the two some how jarred loose some free floating anger and I was a grumpy bitch intermittently for the rest of the day. Not having allowed my inner bitch out for a while now, the feeling was a bit disconcerting. I couldn't put my finger on what I was mad about, but I definitely was angry, seems the manipulations of my body that day mixed with body feelings memories from the anniversary of giving birth for the first time 34 years ago came together to dredge up a myriad of emotions that left me exhausted and curious. I guess that staring down the gun barrel of moving all that I own in the next month was in the mix also.
I feel more than a little overwhelmed by the move and the uncertainty of my future. So many pages of the book of my life have flown by in the past 15 months that I find myself running to catch up. My loved ones are all in their own struggles and I am impotent to help them except for my unwavering support and presence. A dear friend and I were discussing that very idea last night. The wisdom that the only real currency that we have to offer is just that, presence- a listening ear, a loving heart, a connecting soul. I really do believe that, but I have a difficult time holding on to the wisdom when it seems that a fist full of dollars would be much more useful. My ability to help myself or others financially has come to an end for the time being and I mourn that. It is simple really, my husband's commitment and toil supported us for 9 years, his foresight and fiduciary acumen supported me and several others for the past year and a 1/3 and now it is up to me to support myself. It is like coming out of retirement when you feel the least able to do it. Sorry if it sounds like I am whining or that I am being frivolous, it just is how I am feeling. On the other hand I am excited about the possibilities of the next chapter. I desire to open myself up to a host of avenues of potential streams of income and I am sure that when I am settled that those will become more apparent to me, but for now I just look around this house in disarray and feel a bit impotent. So as action is always better and more productive than words I will haul out some more boxes and set to packing up even more of my stuff in hopes of seeing the light at the end of this particular tunnel.