That feeling of feeling

I have been on a roller coaster ride of feelings of late. Everything from just plain numb to melancholic numbness to deep grief during the week of Doug's death anniversary, I have no words for that experience, I hope to not have to repeat it, even with the loving help of dear friends. It is simply not something I want to relive. We will see if the second year is as rough, thankfully I have another year before I find out. This week has been fraught with feelings also. I was terrified for a few hours the day before yesterday, I have to divest myself of the house that I shared with my sweetie and being here 3000 miles away from it has given me the detachment and the discernment to finally start that process, though as I stated, it is terrifying. I actually spent a day of happiness yesterday, I am usually happy when I have purpose and I had that yesterday. I accomplished many small and medium sized errands and felt helpful and forward moving. I was also grateful, a feeling that does me so much good. I also felt enlightened about my individual experience of the world yesterday when I realized that I don't think or care one whit about how I am perceived while out and about doing my thing in the world, a luxury not afforded to all those folks that I love and care about. I enjoy conversing with store clerks and thinking about who they might be when they aren't busy handing me cash back or directing me to the colored tissue paper aisle. I don't have anxiety about going about my day, at east I haven't for 3 days now. This me is the one that I remember from the good old days. The days before my life was defined as a primary caretaker, wife of a hopelessly ill man, a widow whose can't seem to get it together. I have gotten a glimpse of who I had been for a good deal of my life, and it gave me hope, something that had all but disappeared from the horizon. So tomorrow I will call my mortgage company and tell them of my plan to short sale the home that I have had for 9 years and though I will be scared because I don't know where I will live, I will be assertive and proactive. Then maybe, just maybe I will call someone who has offered me some part time work and see if they still want me. That will be scary too, but heck I have had 2 good days in a row, I can do anything.
Anything that is, except not worry if I love some people too much, if I am doing for them more than I should be, if I am not doing enough for them, if I am too attached to them, if I am not attentive enough to them. I guess that means I can do anything except figure out my size in the lives of those that I love, always a hard thing for me. Reminiscent of the old me too, the woman who worried about all that because she had no idea that all those worries would fall by the wayside when the specter of devastating tribulations. messy, tortuous trials and finally, incredible loss was the alternative to worrying about whether or not she was too much or too little in her relationships. Silly woman, but at least I recognize her and her type of crazy is familiar. So I welcome her back and will continue the slow steady progress of helping her realize that it is enough to just love her folks without worrying about how big or little she might be on any given day. I will just love her back into the land of the living and not worry about whether I am doing too much for her or not, she deserves someone to look out for her, no matter how much she needs, wants or demands. I have always been a vessel of my Creators making, usually overflowing with the divine elixir of love for those around me, family, friends and strangers alike. It feels as though the vessel that I was became stressed and fractured, finally leaking out all that was contained therein until there was no holding on any more. This year has been one of gathering up the fractured shards and patiently gluing them back together into a semblance of their former shape to hopefully restore it back to it's usefulness. Maybe way too dramatic for some peoples liking or sensibilities, sorry it is my experience and mine alone. I don't have time to waste worrying about whether or not you like it, I have already wasted way too much of my life doing just that. Lets see what bend this roller coaster takes next, it is an adventure after all.