Yesterday I finally picked up my medical records from the hospital where my life hung in the balance a few weeks ago. Along with my medical chart I also retrieved my CAT scan results from that harrowing time. While perusing these reports I found out that: my liver is enlarged, my uterus is deviated to the right and anteriorly, I have mysterious heterogenous fluid in my pelvic gutters, a tiny cyst on my left kidney, my gallbladder neck region has a somewhat unusual appearance that should be further evaluated, there is atherosclerotic calcifications in my aorta with a 1 cm fat containing node next to my aorta and Oh Yeah diverticulitis with severe swelling and thickening of the colon wall. Funny thing is that I didn't know anything about any of these findings except for the diverticulitis. Shouldn't I be worried that my aorta is calcifying? Is the unusual formation of my gallbladder neck region any thing to stress about? Why isn't my uterus staying put? Should I be collecting the weird fluid in my pelvic gutters and selling it on the black market as a weapon of mass destruction? How come no one talked to me about any of these miscellaneous findings and why is there no followup?
I am a wondering when I get to have me back, when I get to get up in the morning and can count on the body and mind working together to be of service to my Creator, to bring forth an ever advancing civilization, to keep the house picked up and the dinner made for goodness sakes! I had a productive day yesterday with lots of furniture moving, organizing and straightening, errands run, dog walked yard cleaned up, pool skimmed, pets fed, groomed and their toilets cared for. Many phone calls were made, lots of things got done. Now today I awoke at 6AM just like yesterday but instead of getting out of bed and facing the day, I decided that another half hour of sleep would serve me. At 9:30 AM, bleary eyed and aching I rose from my bed and have basically bounced from one useless task to another like a dim witted ping pong ball with no sense of direction. I became derailed when I discovered that I have no sunflower seeds in the pantry, so therefore could not make the granola that I wanted ready for Doug's return tomorrow. That actually sent me back to bed for a couple of hours.
I have gained 13 pounds from my lowest weight a couple of months ago, I am hoping that it is from my intensely swollen colon but fear that it is more likely from the various repeated falls from raw vegan grace that I have suffered from in the past little while. I write about it humorously but it is very painful to be in the state of mind where you can't bring yourself to take care of yourself in the manner which you know is most beneficial for you and though I used to scoff at folks who would bemoan an extra 5-10 pounds of stubborn fat, I feel the difference in my body acutely. I am facing a difficult challenge with traveling in the next week, how to keep my promises to myself about what I put into my body for its nourishment and health while lightening up about just what is important to my well being. Is a small ice cream sundae in my cousins living room such an awful threat to life and limb or is it a happy family memory to be cherished of time spent together savoring the sweet things that God has provided us with? It is definitely a pick your battles type of situation. I do know that nothing seems simple these days, I have had people ask me literally every day how Doug is doing, mostly I say "I don't know" mostly that is true. In the best of all worlds, I would take my husbands at face value, he can walk, teach, drive, eat (and yes occasionally succumb to the sweet treat or two) his hair has grown back in curly and luxurious, he still deserves the handicapped plaque that he has as his feet don't work like they used too, but all in all he seems like the same old Doug with maybe one or two neurons misfiring. What you don't see but what I do get to witness is the waking up in the middle of the night with mysterious stabbing pains in the back, the intensified weeping at loss,the inability to gain any more weight over his max of 165 pounds, the stumbling and outbursts of rage and frustration, the unexplained lesions on his tongue, the intermittent pain over his spleen and the underlying worry about whether or not his disease has progressed or receded and the fear that it has marched on unchecked and that when he finally has the courage to submit to the scan that will tell us, that he will be told that he has 3 weeks left to live. So I am telling the truth when I say I don't know, I also speak the truth when I say that I would be no more surprised if the doctors told him that his cancer was completely eradicated than if he indeed did only have 3 weeks to live because of the invasive nature of this aggressor.
So I guess I will think about whether sunflower seeds are an absolute must for this cereal that I want to make or just an excuse to chase my tail for the rest of the day. I will get back to you on that.
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