a kick in the pants

I have wanted to blog here for a while but I have been infected with inertia. I have been glued to my chair or bed or kitchen for awhile now. I get up and pick up the computer, only to look at this page and opt for an online game, a forbidden treat (you know- mac and cheese or a trip to the in store bakery)or a nap. I have had very little inclination to spill my guts for myself or anyone else to see. I guess I have been busy recovering from the literal spill that occurred in my guts last month, oops make that 2 months ago. How time flies when you don't feel well, though one believes it is dragging along, pretty soon you find that you have been slogging through misery day after day for months or years. Probably telling yourself the whole time " I can't take it any more" or "I don't know how much longer I can do this!" or the dispirited "I am used to this awful feeling, I guess that is is all that I will ever know"
My misery is not full time or crushing- it is a series of missed opportunities and wishing for something more. Like more will power, more motivation, more zest, more energy and staying power. I have been feeling every inch of 56 years old. I know that at this age I am supposed to have some epiphany about how much I have been missing by not competing in tri-athelons or starting from scratch in college, but it just isn't happening. I did go buy everything I needed for crocheting, I now realize that the satisfaction of a poorly made scarf (I was never that good at crocheting) pales in comparison to watching several installments of my new favorite TV show on DVD. I have everything that anyone needs to prepare a raw meal that will knock your socks off, your vegan, organic cotton, not made by children or oppressed minority socks that is. But I don't, I eat baked goods and mac and cheese instead. I happen to like the ritual of preparing Annie's mac and cheese- though if pressed I would have to admit that once the first couple of tastes are down the gullet the rest tasted kinda like cheese flavored glue and the point becomes to not waste it, since not another creature in this house including the ones with 4 and 6 legs, will touch the stuff- smart animals and bugs.
I spent the weekend traveling to Sierra Vista and back. We were there for 45 hours and I didn't have to cook, which rocks but I felt like I should be which made me stressed. Silly codependent me. I have yet to get it in to my mind that when people say that they will take care of me and that they will make things happen that it probably will happen and that they won't be resentful of actually doing what they said they would and even wanted to do.
I have had a lot of realizations of late. Ones that I have had before and probably will again. As I watched my son burst into tears for the second time in an hour I realized that I had no answers for him about his situation, I have no idea what is right or wrong or even exactly how he is feeling. I can't make anything better for anyone. Nor should I try. My only responsibility to him and others is to love them to the best of my ability. Any words of wisdom fall on stressed out, sad, scared ears. And as I have proven more than a few times in my short life, I have no idea what others should do with their lives. My job is to be a listening ear and an open heart. I just wish it were easier and that I had some more practical magic at my fingertips. Not that I am saying that what I can offer is shabby, it is not, but it falls woefully short of what I wish for the people that I love, including me.
Another insight that I have over and over again is that I am not unique to this living life situation, that all those around me probably look into the mirror and at times wonder at who is looking back, that I am not the sole human that feels, thinks, and ruminates on my existence and who thinks occasionally of all the other folks in my life as bit players revolving around my existence. I am brought up short by the reality that every other person that I come in contact with has the same thoughts and the same self imposed isolation of beingness that I have. It is not something that many people talk about, our emotions and our ego get in the way of that kind of connecting. I watch James trying so hard to hold it together that his actions and behaviors are interpreted much like my own when I am trying to do the same thing- as angry and rude. I watch Doug as he stumbles along trying to squeeze every bit of energy available out of his body and realize that at times I do the same. I watch as any number of my friends and family convince themselves that they are on the right path finally and that they have figured out the answers to their 20, 30, 40, 50 or 60 years old lives. I watch my dramas and get sick of them. I watch others dramas and thank God that I am past that age or stage of life. When I am feeling magnanimous I pray for them when I am not, they just piss me off.
So I am feeling kinda old and cranky, but fairly happy because I pooped today. not once but three times. And when I poop I don't hurt, and when I don't hurt. I am not scared for my life and everything is better when I am not scared. So for this day , I am letting go of my loved ones yet again, holding them in my heart and loving them fiercely. I will show up where I can and I will accomplish about 85% of what I am capable of, hoping that I leave room for the miracle of chance and mystery to take place. I imagine that this will make me ready for what ever blows my way. Whether I choose to put a judgment on the things blown me as good or bad is a discussion for another day. Right now I am content to eat, pray and love.