In the home stretch

Isis is gearing up to go home, I am sad about that but happy for her that she gets to be with her honey and be back in the life that she has created for herself in a place that feeds her. Truth be told I am a little jealous. We visited my home in Sierra Vista for two days this week, getting home here in the early evening yesterday after about 4 hours of traveling. I love the land and my house down there, I liked seeing my friends down there and I really, really enjoyed having my two kids together and teasing me while hanging out in my space. I wish I lived some where that I could walk to the grocery store, to a coffee shop or even to go window shopping. Even down there that is not the case, but I can step outside my door and smell the fresh mountain air, see the snow sprinkled peaks and hear birds and not the freeway. I can walk on the earth and not the concrete and it is not too long a drive to some homey, fun and comforting places of commerce including the farmers market every Thursday. I have so few friends here within easy reach, and I also am at a disadvantage with the few close and dear friends that I have had all my life as they are innumerable miles away, out of close contact with me and right now one of them can't just forgive me for being me and the other is the mother of the mother of our joint grandchild who my son just broke up with whom is doing a great job of not letting affect our friendship but it definitely puts a damper on our joint happiness for our grandbaby. I also don't have the energy for the complicated dance that we humans seem to have to do with each other in order to keep these friendships alive and safe. I am still engaged in the time and energy consuming role of primary care giver of my husband who is in the limbo land of cancer treatment, not all better and not dead. He is working and that is good for both of us, but I think that folks think that it means that the outlay of my energy has eased up. Not the case, if anything, it feels harder in that the reality of my not having a life of productive purpose beyond feeding, caring for and planning for more care for him looms large while getting cared for myself is about to end with Isis' departure. It has been an unexpected perk of having her come out here for treatment with me. I noticed it when Ocey was here also, my burden felt lighter with both girls here and it has continued with Isis staying here for such a lovely long time. The experience has helped me to ask Doug for help in the little ways that he can given his depleted state and his increased school work load. It has also helped me as I have the opportunity to check out my emotional reactions to situations in the moment, something a daughter or a close girlfriend can help immensely with, a husband, not so much, neither a friend that you have to play telephone tag with for a couple of days. I have been blessed in the past few weeks in having conversations with both of my children that mean a lot to me, hard, life affirming conversations, the kind that you see in the movies but that hardly ever happen in real life, some of them have been very hard and some uplifting.
Our finances have finally started to be really frightful, the kind of frightful that makes folks do impossible things, like work at jobs that have nothing to do with what they want out of life just to keep the wolves from the door, that and looking into medical bankruptcy as a band aid for the near future. When you spend more out of pocket for medical care in six months than the household makes in a year, it catches up with you, even with insurance kicking in. So I am going to be be pounding the pavement shortly to try to find a job that will let me keep being there for my husband in a big way and allow me to sleep nights. We will see what that turns up. I am hoping that Doug's next round of treatment doesn't make him sicker than this past one as I can't see how I can work out of the house if that happens. But it probably will and I will probably deal with it as I have all the mini dramas and traumas of my life. I guess I can chalk it up to my slight reluctance to face it all any more to older age and the wearing down of resilience that a life time of hardship brings with it. Fortunately for me, I have lost over 25% of my body weight since starting this latest stressful chapter so that I have less of me to drag around, I have learned some skills to keep myself healthy and I have been in the company of those people who love me the most, surprising friends, concerned family and loving
children and a grateful smitten spouse. I have also had several lessons in letting go and choosing my battles. So I get ready to say good bye to my baby girl and all the goodness that she has brought here with her, I am thankful for those friends that have stuck by me in spirit and love in spite of whether our kids are together or not or whether what I do scares them or not, I am grateful that Doug is alive and his ornery self and that my son and grandson are in the state and accessible and I am happy that I have a marketable skill set that even if I don't want to use it, I can and I know that God will guide me towards the opportunities to turn that skill set into more money to lessen the awful stress that we are feeling about our finances right now. So now that the plants are repotted, the butternut squash noodles with golden curry sauce are eaten, the coffee enemas are given and the dog is walked, not to mention hairs cut, naps taken and conversations had, I am ready to rest my weary head for another night, here's to waking up alive and ready for another day.