Crazy life

I have come to the conclusion that while it is at times overwhelming to me and those that I keep company with, that I prefer my life to have a few people rotating in and out of it on a daily basis than to just sit and worry about one other very ill person. With Doug back at work, Isis here for treatment, James, Jen and the little guy coming and going, Janet poking her head in and out two weekends in a row and Ken and Judy stopping by, I find myself happy, a little crazy and frazzled but mostly happy. I still think about what I haven't gotten done that needs to be and whether or not my husband is going to kick the bucket, or whether or not the biggest joke might happen and I will kick the bucket first while doing the dishes for the umpteenth time in the day. But I have a level of contentment that was absent while Doug and I were basically being left to our own devices to weather the storm of cancer treatment alone together. This is what was missing, of course there was no room for it then, but thinking back to it makes me shiver at our single minded push to get him and myself to and from treatment everyday with weekends to catch up on the activities of daily life. All while not having a clue about whether or not our efforts were being effective in helping his body heal from both cancers.
In the past month that Doug has been back to work I have gone from asking our cousin to check into burial plots to being fairly sure that the old man still has some life left in him. I was very certain that he would succumb to his disease in a relatively short period of time while Dixie and John were here, but of late I have become just as certain that he is turning a corner that might mean that with a few adjustments in his current regimen, getting IV's C here at home, strict diet, numerous supplements and being back in his work milieu, that he could be healthy and well again. The point is, that I don't have a clue and neither does he or anyone else for that matter. Life is life, we make plans and time goes by. Our friends and family get sick and well or sick and die. We happen to to be the right place at the right time or not. An earthquake, flood, car crash or cancer hits where we stand and takes us for the ride of our life or death. It all just happens, and it has been happening to me and mine, I don't like all of it but I am growing and I do have moments or pure unadulterated joy. I am learning (slowly and painfully) not to take any of it personally, none of it, not the choices that people make after my encounters with them, not the choices I make for myself even. I simply am being right at this very moment, what a concept.